


Your Voice

by Luces



Category: South Park
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Based on a three sentence fic I wrote from an anon prompt, Christmas, Cryde Week (South Park), Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Mute Clyde
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-24 15:54:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21820510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luces/pseuds/Luces
Summary: At his company Christmas party, Craig watches Clyde's co-workers surprise him by showing him they've learned ASL so they can better communicate with him. Feeling ashamed (and a little jealous) that he's never learned ASL despite having a mute boyfriend who uses it, Craig decides to spend the year taking classes so that he can surprise Clyde with it next Christmas.An angsty little piece of fluff that was supposed to be just fluff.For Cryde Week 2019 (Day 7: Free Day)
Relationships: Clyde Donovan/Craig Tucker
Comments: 3
Kudos: 48





	Your Voice

**Author's Note:**

> So I started writing this for last Cryde Week's Holiday theme and didn't finish it. At the time, I expected it to be about 3000 words. When I started it back up last week, I ended up going in directions I didn't quite intend, so I'm still feeling kinda mixed about the final product.
> 
> Inspired by a three sentence fic I wrote in 2018 from an anon prompt of "Cryde mute Clyde AU".

It wasn't that Craig hated Christmas parties specifically. He hated all parties. It was just too much small talk with people you barely know, and not enough meaningful talk with people you do know. He'd much rather have a small group of friends over for an intimate dinner than go to some big catered event. Still, here he was, standing by a table filled with finger foods and non-alcoholic punch. He could've really gone for something with alcohol in it right about now. Curse Clyde's employers for not splurging on a bartender.

Speaking of Clyde, he looked so happy, surrounded by his co-workers. They seemed nice enough, Craig guessed. He didn't really take the time to get to know them. Clyde had been working for this publisher for a few years, but there had been a high turnover rate the first year he was there, so Craig gave up on getting to know anyone. He figured if they were important enough to Clyde, he'd introduce them .

Craig watched his handsome mess of a boyfriend furiously scribble down on his whiteboard as his co-workers spoke. Clyde had learned how to write _very_ fast and surprisingly neat at an early age. When you're a mute extrovert, born without vocal cords, it's a required skill. It was a skill that helped him be successful at his editing job, and although he'd only self-published two books so far—Craig had asked him why he self-published when he worked for a freaking published and Clyde has said that traditional publishing was very difficult to break into, even for someone in the industry—it had been helpful with his own writing as well.

Craig refilled his cup with punch and took a sip. He did feel bad for not joining Clyde in conversation with his work friends. Clyde always told him that it was okay and that he didn't mind, but Craig sensed that it did make him at least a little bit sad. He just...felt uncomfortable in large groups. The few times that he _had_ tried to join in had ended very awkwardly. Now he just come along to show that he supported Clyde, and so that Clyde didn't have to answer questions on his whereabouts all night.

He looked back over at Clyde's group. Clyde seemed awfully animated about something and was giving out hugs left and right. What the hell happened in the last few minutes? He clearly had missed _something_. It looked like Clyde was crying when he was finally done giving everyone a hug. They must've been joyful tears, but for what? Did they just do a gift exchange and Craig had blanked out for a chunk of time? It's not like that would be the first time that happened.

Wait, were Clyde's co-workers signing with him?

* * *

If an omnipresent force could have seen inside their car on the drive home, it would have seen a warm, happy, and well-fed Clyde, and a stiff, uncomfortable Craig. It was a silent drive. Years ago, they'd agreed not to bother trying to communicate in the car. If Craig talked, Clyde couldn't respond except with a text-to-speech app on his phone, but using his phone in the car made him sick. Clyde has insisted that he didn't mind, but Craig didn't like the fact that it would just be him talking. Craig really _did_ want to talk right now, but knowing he had to wait was what was making him feel so uncomfortable.

"Hey, babe?" Craig called out from the bedroom while he kicked off his dress shoes. He only wore them _maybe_ twice a year, so they weren't broken in properly and hurt like hell.

Clyde bounded into the bedroom like a puppy and dropped his whiteboard on the bed in front of Craig. _"Yeessss?"_ it said, playfully.

Craig couldn't help but chuckle at that. He really did love when Clyde was a happy bundle of energy. It was awfully infectious, even to him.

"What was going on there, near the end? I saw you crying and thought maybe something had gone wrong."

Clyde tossed his dress shirt into the hamper before erasing his previous response and adding a new one. " _Nah, they were good tears! My entire team at work had learned ASL for my Christmas gift!_ "

"Wait, what? Really?" Craig asked.

" _Hell yeah! I mean, it's pretty basic ASL, but it's something! It will make meetings a lot easier for me to join in on, for sure."_

Craig stripped down to his boxers and headed into the bathroom to brush his teeth.

"That's cool," he replied.

He hoped that Clyde couldn't sense the disappointment in his voice. It's not that he was upset about it. Quite the opposite. He was ecstatic for Clyde that the day to day communication of his job would be simpler. He was also happy for him that he worked with people who cared enough to do this for him. However, that was the same thing that was bugging him.

Craig felt jealous. He knew it was selfish to feel that way, but he was jealous of Clyde's work friends thinking of such a kind Christmas gift and going through all that time and work to make it happen. Something like learning ASL had never even crossed Craig's mind. Clyde always seemed to enjoy using his whiteboard. Craig knew that he had learned ASL as a child, but he rarely ever saw him use it in the twenty years they'd known each other. Craig had never considered learning ASL himself. He felt ashamed for not even thinking about whether that would be something that would make Clyde happy.

Craig felt the warm, strong embrace of Clyde's arms around his waist. He rinsed the toothpaste foam out of his mouth and turned to face him, planting a kiss on his lips. Clyde nodded his head toward their bed and gave Craig a seductive grin. Craig raised his eyebrow at his perpetually horny boyfriend and laughed.

"You really are a fucking extrovert. We were at that Christmas party all night, and you have _still_ enough energy left for sex. All right, but just a quickie, cause I'm feeling completely drained," he chuckled before Clyde's mouth was back on his.

* * *

Craig didn't think about ASL again for a while. Between his own work as a paralegal and going home for the holidays to visit family and friends, he had enough stuff to distract him. It was about a month into the new year when something caught his eye on the way to work. A flyer for night classes at Denver Community College was posted at his usual bus stop, and it specifically listed several language courses, including ASL, in its description. He pulled off a tab with the school's website and shoved it into his wallet for later.

Craig didn't go in to sign up immediately. He mulled it over in his head for another week. How hard could it be, anyway? If Clyde's co-workers could learn it, then so could he! He just wasn't sure how he would go about taking the classes without Clyde finding out. Craig often stayed at the office until 8PM or later, especially when there was a particularly important case that he was working on. Clyde knew this and understood the situation. Craig was thankful for this built-in excuse for coming home late—he wasn't very creative. The issue of payment would be a problem, though. Clyde was surprisingly on top of their finances, so he would definitely find out about the classes if Craig used one of their joint accounts.

After a week of internal debate, he realized that he could get the classes covered as a business expense, since having an employee proficient in ASL would be beneficial to the firm. Craig ran it by the partners, and they quickly approved it. Craig applied to the school and managed to get in just before the cut off.

The first semester went by like a blur. Craig was able to handle the basics pretty well, so it wasn't difficult to balance work, home, and classes. He felt pretty damn proud of himself for passing ASL 101 with an A.

He eagerly signed up for ASL 102 over the summer. This turned out to be more difficult to balance, as he had to attend classes three times a week instead of two in order to make up for the shorter semester. The accelerated pace of the course coupled with the tougher coursework and a busy season at work made Craig stressed, and it began to affect life at home.

By the end of the summer, Clyde knew something was up. Craig's temper was just a little shorter. He was just a little quieter. He spent a little more time in their bedroom with the door closed. They still connected when they had sex, but Craig felt somewhat distant when they snuggled afterwards. Clyde wasn't a particularly jealous man, so he didn't immediately think that Craig was having an affair, as many people in his position would. Still, he couldn't put his finger on it, but he had a suspicion that Craig was hiding something.

One humid night in late September, Clyde decided to confront him about it. He pulled out a chair at the dinner table while Craig was eating his reheated dinner and placed his white board down.

 _"Can we talk?"_ it asked.

"Huh? Uh, yeah sure, babe. What's up?" asked Craig.

Clyde got straight to the point. _"I'm worried that you're hiding something from me."_

Craig paused for a moment. Fuck. He was caught. Just when he was about to sign up for the fall intermediate level course, too. He knew that trying to keep this from Clyde for an entire year was impossible. Why did he think he could pull this off? Maybe, just maybe, Craig could use his infamous poker face to keep the secret going for just a little longer.

"Why do you say that?"

Clyde wiped off the white board and took a deep breath. He spent the next few moments writing down all of the things that had seemed off about Craig over the summer. He handed the board to Craig, who calmly read it, slowly nodding his head.

"I see. I'm sorry about all of this. I've been really stressed all summer. They have me assisting with three cases, and one is a fairly high-profile and _very_ messy divorce. I've tried to leave work at the office, but I guess I've been bringing it home without realizing it."

Clyde pursed his lips. That certainly sounded plausible. In fact, a couple of years ago, a similar situation had occurred. Craig had been swamped with work for months, becoming irritable and distant. However, once the cases were finished, everything went back to normal.

 _"I guess so,_ " he wrote.

Craig pushed away his empty plate and turned to face Clyde. He was so close to saving his Christmas surprise from being ruined. He decided to go all in and exploit Clyde's weakness.

"I'm sorry that I've been worrying you, babe. My stress shouldn't have to affect you."

Craig stood up and slowly walked around behind Clyde.

"You work so hard, too, and on _top_ of that, you still manage to make bomb ass dinners for us every night. It was delicious, by the way."

He placed his hands on Clyde's shoulders and squeezed, gently massaging them as he continued talking.

"I've had so much on my mind from work that I haven't treated you right, and that's not fair. I've been an awful boyfriend."

Craig leaned down so that his mouth was next to Clyde's ear.

"To make it up to you, how about I treat you to some dessert?"

Craig took Clyde's earlobe into his mouth and began to nibble and suck on it. It was Clyde's biggest erogenous zone and Craig's secret weapon. Clyde immediately arched his back and his breath quickened at the pleasurable sensations flooding through him. After only a few seconds, Clyde reached over to grab Craig's head and pulled him into a kiss. Craig took it upon himself to straddle Clyde's lap, where he continued to make out with his easily distracted boyfriend. Making out gave way to grinding, which soon gave way to full-on raw fucking against the kitchen countertop.

Craig was glad that Clyde was so easily swayed by sex, and he hoped that all of the endorphins Clyde's brain was marinating in right now would make him forget about his suspicions. Craig knew it was a shitty strategy to use against him, but the pros outweighed the cons. Craig definitely wasn't ready to spoil the surprise.

* * *

Clyde knew exactly what Craig had done. It wasn't the first time he'd used sex to end a serious discussion, and it certainly wouldn't be the last. He silently cursed his perpetual horniness and that damn sensitive ear of his.

He lied in bed next to Craig, mulling over everything said before the sex. Maybe Craig really was just stressed out from work. He supposed he could wait a few more weeks and see if Craig returned to normal once his workload evened out. That could work...but just the thought of sitting with this uncomfortable feeling for that long made Clyde's chest feel tight. He could try bringing up the topic again, but he feared that Craig would easily use the same strategy to disarm him, or worse, Craig would get frustrated and defensive and they'd have a huge fight about it. Clyde hated getting into heated fights with Craig—it was impossible for him to keep up while writing and make it legible. If only Craig could sign, it'd be so much easier.

Clyde sighed and glanced at his phone. 4:04 AM. Great. No sleep and no solutions to his relationship trouble. Sometimes he wished that he had a group of friends that he could share his problems with and talk things through like a main protagonist in a TV show or movie. Granted, those main protagonists tended to be female, but whatever, he still wanted it.

Until he remembered that he _did_ have that.

* * *

"I call to order another meeting of the Council of Friends!" Bebe announced as she slapped the diner table.

"Hear, he-he-hear!" Jimmy called back.

"Please remind me again why, even after all these years, I'm still friends with you dorks?" asked Token as he sipped his glass of lemon water.

"Probably because you're— _ngh—_ just as much of a dork as we are," said Tweek.

"Touché," Token smiled.

Clyde was focused on writing on his whiteboard while the others casually updated each other on what was happening in their lives. When he was finished, he picked up his fork and hit it against his glass with a crisp _clink-click-clink_ sound. Once he had their attention, he handed them the board to read.

Clyde had written a summary of his concerns regarding Craig. He explained to them how he had approached Craig about it the other day, but that Craig had just used sex to distract him from his interrogation.

" _I just feel in my gut that he has a secret that he won't share,_ " wrote Clyde.

His friends were quiet for a while, letting the information sink in. The server mercifully interrupted the uncomfortable silence to take their orders, then left the group to finally face the dilemma at hand.

"Well...you know...that honestly just sounds like Craig, dude," said Token. "I know that's not what you want to hear, but he's always been a pretty private guy."

Clyde furiously scribbled down his response. _"Okay, but with me, he's never been private. He always tells me everything, which is why this feels so weird!"_

"Not to be an asshole, babe, but can you really trust that gut feeling of yours?" asked Bebe. "I love you to death, but you were never really known for your ability to pick up on things. I mean, fuck, back in high school, I had to ask you out four times before you realized that I liked you."

Clyde picked up his dry erase marker and got into position to write a response. He paused for a moment, pursed his lips, and shrugged, deciding to give up. He had no real come back to that.

"That's not fair, Bebe," said Tweek. "Clyde is oblivious to the obvious things, but he's _really_ good at picking up on the little things. If he says that Craig is acting just a little off and thinks he's holding a secret, he's probably on to something."

Clyde perked up and his eyes widened. He pointed furiously at Tweek, nodding his head in agreement.

" _Ngh—_ tell you what, Clyde. I'll try to scope out what's going on with Craig the next time he stops in for a coffee," Tweek continued.

"Nope, nope, that's never going to work," said Jimmy. "This needs someone who can be suhh—someone who can be subtle, and Tweek sucks at being subtle."

"Well shit, you got me there," Tweek said before guzzling down his cup of coffee and signaling for a refill.

"Token is probably the best out of all of us at being subtle and getting people to tell him anything," Jimmy continued. "If he can't get Craig to reveal any secrets, then no one can."

They all nodded in agreement.

"All right then," said Token. "I'll give it my best shot."

Clyde scribbled down " _Thank you, Token. You're the best!_ " with several hearts filling in the empty white space.

* * *

"I can't remember the last time you asked me out for a beer, dude."

Craig scratched at the bottle's label. It was the first one that he'd drank in a while, and even only halfway in, he was starting to feel the effects. Even so, he still wasn't tipsy enough to quell the anxiety that was seemingly getting worse with every passing day. He had somehow managed to hide it from Clyde so far. Ever since Clyde confronted him, he was nervous that Clyde would figure everything out on his own and the gift that he'd been working on for almost a year would be worthless.

His anxious paper picking wasn't lost on Token.

"It was probably the night before I proposed to Nichole. I was nervous as fuck and I needed a bro to talk me down. I had a lot on my mind and you're the best listener and most logical thinker of all of my friends."

Craig made a quiet noise of agreement.

"Speaking of a lot of one's mind," Token continued, "I can't remember the last time I saw you picking at a beer label like that. I only remember you doing that when something was bothering you, but you didn't want to talk about it."

Craig immediately dropped his hands from the bottle. "I don't do that. I'm fine. Everything's fine. Life is great."

Token took a slow, deliberate swig from his own beer, staring at Craig the entire time. He placed the bottle back on the table and held up his hands.

"Okay, okay, that's fine. We don't need to talk about it. That's not why I asked you out tonight."

Craig finished off his beer and put the bottle down on the edge of the table. "So then...why _did_ you ask me out tonight?"

"I asked you out here tonight because one, it's been far too long since we've hung out alone, and two, I needed to get my geek on. Who better to do that with than you?"

"I dunno, I don't think I'm that much of a geek," Craig mumbled. "I mean, I don't really—"

"Baby Yoda."

" _Oh my god, baby Yoda_!" Craig squealed, his eyes practically twinkling with delight.

An hour of gushing about Star Wars, a couple more beers, and a shot of whiskey later, Craig was finally feeling the full effects of the alcohol. He had always been a lightweight in general, but it was intensified by how little he drank nowadays. His cheeks were pink and warm. His eyelids were heavy, and he had a dreamy sort of look on his face.

Token was quite amused by the drastic change in demeanor between this and sober Craig.

"Mmmm… I love my boyfriend," slurred Craig.

"I believe you," Token laughed.

"I love him so fucking much. Dude. _Dude_. Do you know how much I love him?"

"Would it be 'so fucking much'?"

" _Yes_. But get a load of this shit, dude. I love him so much that I've been working on a super secret awesome kickass Christmas gift of awesome for Christmas."

"That sounds pretty cool. Are you making him something?"

"Kinda. I'm making him me…" Craig pointed at himself, his hand wobbling in the air. "…but knowing sign language." He leaned back in his chair and raised his arms above his head in triumph.

"Seriously? Wow, that's actually really cool. I mean, it's kinda weird that you hadn't learned it yet since you've been together for years, but that's gonna be a great Christmas gift."

"I know," Craig slurred. "I am the king of gift stuff. I'm gonna win Christmas so fucking hard, it won't be able to walk for a week."

"You're not making any sense, dude," Token laughed.

Craig continued to ramble on about other subjects, barely being able to string together coherent sentences. Meanwhile, Token thought about the situation he found himself in.

He had successfully pried information out of Craig. He definitely was hiding something from Clyde, but Token completely understood why. After putting in so much time learning a new way to communicate with his boyfriend, it made sense that he would want to reveal that in a grand way. That being said, Token still had to report back to Clyde and the gang about his night with Craig. He obviously wasn't going to tell Clyde the truth. He couldn't. This surprise was too momentous to waste when it was so close to Christmas. Yet joining in on the secrecy made Token feel awful. He was asked to get the truth, and what he was bringing back was a lie.

Token sighed. He pulled out his phone and opened his text thread with Clyde.

_Hey man_

_Hey bro. How'd it go?_

_Have a look for yourself_.

Token took a picture of Craig—who had recently slumped his head onto the table, but was still rambling about something incoherent—and sent it to Clyde.

 _That's from three beers and a shot of whiskey_.

_Holy shit. I don't think I've ever seen him that drunk._

_Did you get any information?_

Token bit his lip. There was no turning back now.

_Oh yeah. He told me a huge secret._

_He confessed to me how much he loves Baby Yoda_.

_Yeah, that's not a secret, lol._

_Ahh well, I guess I'm just crazy_

_Thanks for trying, bro. Do I need to come pick him up?_

_Nah, I can bring him home._

_I only had one beer and that was well over an hour ago._

_Okay thanks. See you then._

Token closed the text thread and ordered a glass of cold water for Craig before they left. While Craig slowly sipped on the water, Token started a group text to Bebe, Tweek, and Jimmy.

_I found out Craig's secret and it's a doozy._

_And whatever you do, you CANNOT tell Clyde._

* * *

Clyde trusted Token with his life, so he felt some solace in the fact that even Token couldn't get a very drunk Craig to confess to anything. He felt that it was pretty strong proof that Craig didn't actually have any secrets to hide. Unfortunately, that solace was short-lived.

Clyde continued to notice little things that seemed off about Craig. He couldn't get his brain to stop fixating on them. He tried to accept that maybe this was just how Craig was now, or maybe he was just now noticing things that Craig had always done, but he couldn't. It hurt too much to force himself to believe that he was imagining things. It hurt too much to ignore what he felt were obvious warning signs.

December came, and with it came the cold, inside as well as outside. Clyde and Craig weren't talking as much as they used to. Craig was still coming home late and still seemed distracted by _something_ , but he continued to keep it from Clyde. Clyde had stopped trying to get Craig to open up. It was a losing battle.

December also came with all of the usual holiday obligations, including office Christmas parties. Clyde's office had theirs a week before Craig's firm, so Clyde was glad to not have to deal with the argument of which party they'd attended.

Last year's party had been a memorable, joyous event for Clyde. His co-workers hadn't used ASL nearly as much throughout the year as they had insisted they would, but the gesture had still been very sweet and many people did still sign with him during one-on-one conversations.

This year's party was already ramping up to be a miserable evening. Clyde sipped on non-alcoholic punch and tried to mingle with his peers. He cursed his boss for not booking a restaurant with booze. He wished he could be sipping a run and Coke right about now. He stood with a group of people from marketing and tried to join the conversation. It was difficult to sign or write with a drink in his hand, so he had to use nonverbal signals to let people know he was listening.

He wasn't really listening, though. He nodded and smiled and tried his best to act like normal, but the truth was that he couldn't keep his eyes off of Craig. He knew that Craig wasn't a fan of big groups. He knew that Craig had lingered by the snack table at every work Christmas party since they started dating. Craig being off on his own wasn't what was bothering him.

What was bothering him was that Craig had been buried in his phone since they arrived. Normally he left his phone at home for events like this. Clyde wasn't usually a jealous man, but Craig's secretive behavior, avoidance of discussion, and current fixation on his phone made him wonder if Craig's secret was that he was being unfaithful.

Clyde chugged down rest of his drink and placed it on the table next to him. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. This was going to be a long night.

"Hey Big D!" called out a work friend of his as they approached. "How's it going?" They saw Clyde avert his glance and immediately could tell something was bothering him. "Hey, is everything okay?"

Craig normally didn't bother bringing his phone to parties, no matter how much he despised them. He'd decided years ago that he'd rather be miserable and bored than embarrass Clyde by being "that asshole with his phone in the corner". However, at previous parties, he never had a final exam coming up the next week and making him a ball of stress. He scrolled through his notes on grammar, examining diagrams and videos of the vocabulary they'd learned this semester. Once he passed this semester, it was only a week till Christmas and he could finally present his gift to Clyde. The end to one of the most challenging years of his life was so close he could taste it. He couldn't wait to see the look on Clyde's face. It was going to make all of this trouble worth it.

Realizing that he hadn't checked in on Clyde in a while, Craig looked up from his phone and scanned the room for him. After a few moments, he found him sitting at a table with two friends having a conversation in ASL. He watched them signing back and forth, proud at himself for being able to follow along.

" _Yeah, you've been keeping to yourself a lot recently, Big D. Are things okay at home?"_ signed one friend.

" _No, not really._ _I don't know. I've been trying to ignore it for so long, but...I think my boyfriend might be cheating on me."_

Wait, what?

Craig shoved his phone into his pocket and moved quickly through the crowded room.

"Babe! That's not true! I'd never cheat on you!" he yelled.

The entire room grew quiet. All eyes were on Craig. Clyde froze in mid sentence. Craig watched Clyde's face as his expressions morphed from shock to confusion to understanding to hurt. Clyde stood and looked him dead in the eyes.

 _"Outside. Now,"_ he signed before making a hard walk to the door.

Craig felt his cheeks burn. All of his worst fears were coming true at once. A large room full of people, silent, and staring at him. Revealing his big gift by accident. Hurting his boyfriend in public. He kept his eyes to the floor and walked quickly to the exit.

It had started to snow outside. Craig noticed that there was about an inch on the ground when he caught up with Clyde. The big, fluffy flakes were collecting on Clyde's soft brown hair. Craig wanted nothing more than to playfully ruffled them off, but he held himself back. This was certainly not the time for that.

" _How long?"_ Clyde signed. His lips were pursed, his eyes read a mixture of anger and sadness.

Craig hesitated. He wasn't sure if he should sign in response or if that would make Clyde more upset.

_"I know you can understand me. How fucking long have you known ASL?"_

Craig took a deep breath. _"Eleven months,_ " he signed.

Clyde pressed his fingers into his temples and closed his eyes. He felt like crying. He took several deep breaths, trying to keep calm.

" _Why would you hide that from me for so long? Wait, no, don't answer that, I can't handle it right now. I am so angry. Do you know how much misery you've put me through? A day hasn't gone by that I haven't worried about what you were hiding from me. Were you sick? Were you unemployed? Did you gamble away our life savings? Did someone we know die? Were you cheating on me? I was afraid that it could have been any of these things, but the last thing I would have ever guessed was that you were learning how to sign in secret!"_ His signing became faster and sloppier as he went, working himself up into an emotional lather.

"I...I can't follow when you sign that fast, babe," said Craig.

Clyde squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip. " _I think it would be best for you to go home. Take the car. I'm going to stay here. I need to be away from you for a while to think. I'll ask someone for a ride home._ "

"Babe…" Craig pleaded. He reached his hand out to touch Clyde.

" _Don't, Craig. Please, let me be alone."_

"Okay. Okay, if that's what you need."

Craig watched Clyde walk back inside the banquet hall. He rubbed his face with both hands, then looked up at the sky. He let the snowflakes fall onto his face, cold, sobering, and felt them drip down his skin as they melted on contact. What was supposed to be a sweet gift that showed Clyde how much he loved him and how dedicated he was to him had turned into something that could lead to the end of their relationship.

He got in the car and, despite wanting to rush back into the party and hug his boyfriend tightly, turned over the engine and drove home.

* * *

Clyde grabbed another glass of punch and sipped it while trying to integrate back into the party. He hopped from group to group, hoping to slip into one of the many ongoing conversations. No matter how many facial expressions he tried to use to convey his reactions to what was being said, no one seemed to be paying attention to him. Maybe it was because they were just so deeply entranced by the _super_ intense conversations going on—conversations about the best ways to keep live Christmas trees from drying up and what the best route to get to work is. Maybe it was because Clyde and his boyfriend had made a huge embarrassing scene only moments before, and everyone was afraid to acknowledge it, and therefore didn't want to acknowledge Clyde. Whatever the reason was, it sucked.

The thought occurred to Clyde that he was just as miserable here without Craig as he probably would have been with Craig. He shook his head, knowing it wasn't true, for if Craig were here, they'd be fighting the entire time. Still, it made him realize that he already missed him and that mixed uncomfortably with his anger.

He decided to leave the restaurant again and go for a walk. The snow was still coming down, but the flakes had become tiny, like powdered sugar was being shaken out of the clouds above him. He trudged forward, hearing the fresh snow crunch under his feet as he went.

What was it about love that made Clyde pine for Craig even while he wanted to slap him in the face? The more he missed him, the less angry he became. Then he'd think about why he had gotten angry in the first place, vow to kick his ass when he got home, and end up missing him again since he was home and not here by his side. Love can be weird. Love can be uncertain. Love can't make up its fucking mind what it wants half the time.

Clyde was certain about two things, though. One, he loved Craig with all his heart, and two, he was pissed off at Craig for hiding this from him and then lying to him about hiding it. He guessed what he really needed to decide was whether his love for Craig was stronger than his feeling of betrayal.

Craig had been hiding this from him for nearly a year. Sure, it wasn't something massive and potentially relationship-ending, like a gambling addiction or infidelity, but still. The more Clyde thought about it, the more he realized that he was less upset about Craig keeping this a secret, and more upset about the fact that he lied about hiding anything when he was caught and kept up that lie for months. His chest hurt just thinking about it. He never thought that Craig was the sort of person who'd lie—he was always so straightforward and blunt. It made Clyde wonder if he'd be able to put his trust in Craig anymore.

Learning ASL behind his back. Was that even a secret worth lying about? Why would he even hide that from him? He would have been so supportive and helped Craig study for tests. A whole year of classes that could have brought them closer together. A whole new language they could share to make snide remarks about people in public. A whole new way to talk.

Clyde looked around him and realized that he had walked all the way to a popular lookout point. He smiled, thinking about all of the times that he and Craig had come here in Craig's car when they first started dating. They'd spend hours sitting there in his car, making out and cuddling. Craig talking about everything under the stars while Clyde listened, only using his white board to write follow-up questions so he could continue listening to his favorite sound in the entire world.

Goddammit, he missed Craig. No matter how mad he was at the moment, all he wanted to do was see Craig's stupid face.

Clyde turned around to start heading back to the restaurant. He reached the main road and it was at that point that he realized that he had no clue how he had gotten here in the first place. His feet had just brought him here without him thinking about it. He had been focused on everything else and hadn't paid attention to the direction he was walking.

He took out his phone and looked at the time. He could try contacting someone from work, but the party was still going and most of them probably wouldn't check their texts for another hour. Clyde sighed and sheepishly sent Craig a text to please come get him.

* * *

The drive home started out in silence. Craig had a lot that he wanted to say, but he was worried that Clyde was still angry and hearing him speak would only make things worse. He only lasted halfway home before he said fuck it and opened the flood gate.

"I know our driving rule, but I need to talk, babe. I don't know if this will be my only chance to explain myself tonight, so I have to take it." He gripped the steering wheel tightly, afraid to glance at Clyde. "I've been thinking a lot tonight. Last year I saw how happy you were last year when your work friends surprised you by signing, and honestly, I was jealous of them. It led me to decide to take ASL classes on my own in order to surprise you this year. That in and of itself was a fine idea...but I let it get out of control. I became so focused on getting that happy Christmas tears reaction from you that when you asked me if I was hiding anything from you, I panicked."

Clyde watched Craig as he spoke. At this point, he was more angry at himself for wanting to forgive him so quickly and just bury his face in his chest.

"I saw how much it worried you, and how you and our relationship were being affected by it, but I was too stubborn to just tell you what was going on. I was afraid that my grand plan would be completely ruined if you found out then. I put a stupid Christmas gift above you, the fucking love of my life. I mean, shit...it's not like you wouldn't have still been surprised if I had answered you by signing that night. Yet I made you suffer for four months because I'm a fucking idiot.

"So that's where I'm at. I am so sorry that I hurt you. At this point, it doesn't matter what my intentions were, what matters is how they've affected you. I love you so fucking much, Clyde. And if you're still pissed at me, I get it. And...if you decide you want to break up," Craig sighed and swallowed hard, "I'll understand."

Clyde wanted to tell Craig right then that it was going to be okay. That they were going to be okay. That it might take a while to rebuild some of the lost trust, but that Clyde was in this for the long haul and he loved Craig just as much. He couldn't say it in writing, his hands, or his voice, but he could try to communicate it with his body. He leaned over across the center console and rested against Craig's arm. He felt Craig's muscles tense, then slowly relax.

After Craig pulled into the driveway and cut the engine, he started to get out of the car when Clyde tugged on his arm. Clyde flipped on the overheard light and signed, _"It's my turn to talk"._

 _"Okay,_ " signed Craig.

" _I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still upset about all of this. The past few months have really been awful. I even got our friends involved, and asked Token to try to get the secret out of you."_

"I knew he didn't invite me out to talk about Star Wars," mumbled Craig.

_"But I've been thinking a lot tonight myself. I think what hurt me the most was that you always tell me everything, so the fact that you were hiding something from me, even after I asked you… I was devastated. I get now, though, why you were keeping it a secret, and why you went to such lengths to do so, and even though you were a fucking idiot in the way you went about it, I think your heart was ultimately in the right place._

_"I love you, and I want to be with you. Actually, I started to miss you hardcore when I ended up at our old date night spot. I thought about how I loved to listen to your voice. Still do."_

"Oh yeah! Man, I never shut up back then, huh? I obviously liked you a lot 'cause I barely talk to anyone," Craig laughed.

_"So although I do love that you learned ASL for me, and it'll definitely make conversations easier with you understanding what I'm saying… But I hope you don't use it too much because I'd rather die than not hear the sound of your nasal, monotone, boring-ass voice ever again."_

Clyde grinned and readied himself for Craig to give him a playful push. Instead, Craig leaned in and kissed him.

Clyde returned the kiss and signed, _"Merry Christmas."_

"Merry Christmas, babe."


End file.
